Grief and the Holidays - Hanna Sherwood
Holidays are stressful on their own. Everyone has to be somewhere, do something, or make this or that for dinner, lunch, cookie bakes. However, another thing can permeate the holidays that can bring joy to a standstill. Loss can be as in your face in the holidays as the endless to do lists. It can be hard to figure out what to do with grief as you go into the holidays.
First, if you are reading this having experienced a loss, this writer’s heart goes out to you. Grief has a lot of emotions expressly unique to it. Because it is so complicated, there are multiple sources with a lot of information that can be hard to navigate. Beyond the widely known Five Stages of Grief proposed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and sadness, there are more stage models out there that may fit other people’s grieving process more accurately. Some researchers add guilt and shock to the models. Other models completely leave out “acceptance” to replace it with “understanding”. Regardless of how the models are spelled out, the agreement is that this is a process not a finite experience.
Knowing where you are in your grief journey may dictate how that plays a part in your holiday plans. Some people out there may need to ignore the loss this year, and the next, and maybe even the next. Others who are working through acceptance or understanding may want to “include” the person or people who are gone by leaving spots at the table, putting their stockings or other holiday accessories up, practicing a religious ceremony in their honor, or simply saying a few words at an important gathering.
While those are general ideas to consider. American Psychological Association has a list of questions to ask yourself. These include some of the following: Are you going to continue a tradition or change or cut it? Will you celebrate the holidays in the same place that you usually had or is a change of scenery the way to go this year? Who should join? And lastly and most importantly, what are your limits? Can you do an all day celebration or are you content after smaller interactions? Whatever you choose, do it for yourself, now is not the time to live up to someone else’s expectations for what a holiday looks like post loss.
Here are some tips for managing your emotions during the holiday season.
Take care of yourself. Eat well, hydrate, sleep well and your mind and body will have a foundation for improved resilience.
Talk about your loved one. It’s not a “mood killer” to share fond memories of previous holidays.
Have realistic expectations for your emotions and your limits. Chances are if you’ve read to this point, you’re struggling with a loss or know someone who has. Allow yourself to feel all of your emotions and know when it’s time to step away from a crowd or situation. Feelings are valid, even when they creep up unexpectedly and you need to focus on you for a moment.
Reach out to those around you. Depending on where you are, other people may have lost the same person. Lean on those around you. Ask for encouragement, hugs, stories, another cookie from the stash of holiday baked goods, whatever that help looks like for you.
If you have children who are also grieving, get their input. Letting them have some say in the holidays might even take some pressure off of you for making some of the decisions. Additionally, giving ways to empower everyone to take control of the grieving process and the holidays can aid the emotional healing of all family members involved.
The holidays are approaching but there’s still time to make plans to care for yourself up until then. You can join support groups either in person or online, seek help from a therapist or person who fills a similar role, or safely use social media to share your journey. If turning to social media be careful not to give too much identifying information and be aware that people are not always looking out for us in comment sections.
Whatever step you are on in your path to healing, there are others out there who know what you are going through. Please take care and be kind to yourself and others this holiday season.
